I haven’t been on here in forever but I was looking back on old posts and it’s so interesting to see how far I have come. How low I once was and how I have risen from the things that I have been put through. I have soo many amazing people keeping me grounded and reminding me daily how strong I really am and I couldn’t be any more proud of the progress I have made and how much better I am able to handle the pressures of everything. I am truly blessed to have what I have and no matter what I have been through I know that if anything it has only made me stronger. :)
think i am about to go into a state of depression. can’t believe that she has been ignoring me this whole time, that she just all of a sudden has a wedding to go to in florida and can’t go to my graduation. having her there was the only thing i was looking forward to. she doesn’t realize how much having her there means to me and the fact that we talked about this in the summer, how does a wedding magically pop up in less than a year notice. i’m upset, hurt and i don’t even know. ksdhfjdkghjdg. i thought she was different, but she’s walking out all the same.
entering depression, no joke. i can’t believe today was the final game, i can’t believe that everything is over. as i watched the score board and saw the final seconds count down, i realized it was over. i realized that these past two and a half years have flown by, and i will never be a high school cheerleader again…. i began to cry, i couldn’t even watch the awards be given out, i just broke down. I always said i was going to cry at the last game, but i never actually thought it would happen. i seriously fell apart. i made my coach cry, and i can honestly say that i have never seen her cry, but i just couldn’t do it anymore. i cried for most of the bus ride, until my coach told us we weren’t allowed to cry anymore and she started doing the banana dance <3 it was that dance that started our season with our other coach jess, and ended it. it’s sooo hard to watch everything end, everything that we worked for end just like that. as we left the parking lot we had a group hug, and my one coach told us she might not be back next year. i can’t even begin to take everything in. ksdjkdjfhgjkfdgd. i can’t even eat anything, i am a mess.
slowly losing everything that my life revolves around.
i can’t believe that cheer season is just days, maybe even only one game away from being over. two and a half years of making our own little cheer family, of falling inlove with the team, the cheers, and my coachs. it’s been the best thing to come in my life. the one thing i could do, and the one place i could be where nothing else in the world seemed to matter anymore. there’s been drama, triumphs, tears, laughs and everything in between. i would give my life for the majority of the girls on the team, and i honestly don’t know what i would do without them. soo much of me has formed around cheerleading, around being a part of something bigger than i ever imagined. i am going to miss these girls, this team, my coaches and the new family i have made more than anyone will know. i cant even begin to explain the loss i am about to feel. first emily, now this. i seriously am not going to have anything left. my cheer family is all i have ever known. i can’t go from a life of cheer to a life of work and i am scared to death to have to start all over in college. :/
it honestly would have made my life if you would have come to one of my games to watch me cheer, why did you move?
i can’t remember the last time we talked. like actual, what is going on in your life, what is going on in my life talked. it’s hard because even knowing you might be busy, i still miss hearing from you like i used to. i miss our monday night talks sophomore year, and even our every now and again talks and emails junior year. now you never answer any email i write, and you rarely answer my text messages, yet say that if i ever need you i can call you… how can i feel comfortable randomly calling you, when you can’t respond to a simple text message with thanks, or hey? i knew that as the years went on, we would drift apart, and i didn’t think it would hurt this much. you were the person i leaned on and ran to when i needed someone, and i feel like as much as you believe you are still there for me, you really aren’t. just like everyone else i feel like you are leaving, and i am terrified that after our trip to spain in 2013, that you will be completely gone. i don’t want to bother you or annoy you, but i truly miss you. there is no one like you here, no one who pushes me to do well, who makes me save my money, who talks to me like a parent figure. sometimes your stern advice is just all i need to get me through the upcoming months. sometimes i seriously don’t know what to do, and i want nothing more than to go back to how things were when i was a freshman. sometimes i get jealous of the other people who constantly get to see you and benefit from your advice while i am here. i hope hope hope that you respond to my text soon, that we can have an actual conversation, that i can see you and have lunch with you like we used to do. i seriously don’t know what i am going to do when i am a freshman in college. gahhhhh. i just really need you, i need someone to vent to, i need your advice, i need you pushing me to do well in school, saying that you’re here for me and actually being there. each time we don’t talk, or you don’t answer a message, i think the worst, i think something is wrong, something bad happened, you changed your phone number, who knows, but please come back into my life…. i honestly need you.
i can’t be that girl. i can’t just fall in love and let it be. i’m afraid. i make rash decisions and i don’t know what i want. i don’t feel love the way i did that one time, with that one boy. sometimes i feel like i get lonely, and i just enjoy knowing that a guy is interested in me, but have no intention of turning it into something. i can’t commit, and i hope it’s only at this moment in time, but i can’t be sure.
i love when people who have no connection to me whatsoever tell me that if my boyfriend does anything wrong, or hurts me in any way that they will beat him up. and how my bestfriend tells them that when she is done there will be nothing left to beat up. gotta love my best friend and m.e.g. <3 but definitely had the best valentines day by far. a singing car with rose petals in it, 2 roses, 1 real, 1 fake and a song sung by my boyfriend and played on guitar. <3 feeling like the luckiest girl ever… even though i hate this day ahha.
occassionally everything falls apart. nothing is built to last forever. no materialistic good, no relationship, no friendship. it’s a new year and i will start it off new. you shoot at me, i’ll shoot back. i can’t be caught up in petty nonsense, and some things go on for soo long that they just aren’t worth fighting for anymore. i am growing up. i am eighteen and in 6 months i will be as far away from this town as i will allow myself to get. i will be with family that seems to show that they love me more than my own parents and i will be making a new name, a new life and new memories for myself. i don’t need to be held back or distracted. i have worked for 4 years to be done with the childish games, to grow up and to start into the real world. my chance is coming up quicker than ever, and wether some people care to grow up, or tag along is up to them, but i am not waiting for anyone, or stoping because people want out. leave, it’s honestly not worth the effort that it has taken to hold on.
seven days until i become an adult. this year will be a changing experience for me. i am ready to take it in stride and try new things. <3
i can honestly say that seeing kelly today made my day. i feel like it has been forever since i have seen her, and i miss seeing her around constantly. g seeing me at the vending machine was plain luck, although she scared the crap out of me making me think that something was wrong, but seeing kelly walk around that corner was the best surprise ever. she looked so happy and djkghdfhgdhg. i just really miss having her around, being able to run to her and tell her everything and not have her tell a soul. i think that was the best christmas present by far. i enjoy seeing people i have been missing far more than i enjoy getting gifts. skjdhgjdfhdf it was just soooo exciting, but it’s kind of sad that i won’t be seeing her as much. i honestly let her go to the back of my mind a little because it was kind of sad and empty not having her around, so i thought if i brushed it away it would help. but really now, my day has been made.
i am going to spain in the summer of 2013 for free. i am so excited, and i can’t even explain how thankful i am to the person who gave me this opportunity. she is always on-upping herself, and making me realize how much she helps me out constantly. i am so excited to get the chance to explore granada, barcelona, madrid, sevilla and some other places, and not have to worry if it is financially possible. ksjdhgjdkfhdkjfhgdg! it’s soo far away, but i can not wait!
today is one of the most caring, thoughful and self-less people that i have ever met’s birthday. honestly i don’t know what i would do without this girl in my life, and i feel terrible that all i could send is a text to her because honestly she deserves so much more. i owe this girl all of the thanks in the world, and i wish i could be there to celebrate her birthday with her, and really let her know how thankful i am. happy birthday e! Miss you and hope you have a wonderful birthday!
i’ll never be able to let you know just how much you have helped me push on.